HERE'S WHAT READERS ARE SAYING:

Debi Grand
Stanton CA (the smallest town in Orange County)
Orange County Register

This is in response to your queries regarding searching for former lovers. I do not think it is okay to search for an old lover if you are married or if you already know the person is married. Also, if the person does not want to be found or contacted for whatever reason, then the searcher needs to accept it and let it go. If the person is divorced, widowed or still single, then my opinion is to go for it and see what happens.

For myself, I am divorced and currently not in a relationship. There are three men I would like to look up who I knew before I was married years ago. However, I have no idea if they are married or how to go about finding out about their marital status. I have decided that if I ever find out any of them are unmarried, I will try to figure out how to contact them just for fun and with no expectations.

I felt the need to comment on the article in the Orange County Register 8/16/04 Lost Loves,

I reconnected with my High School love after going our separate ways 28 years ago,
Our first meeting/connection was intense, a compression of time with the first Love
of my life, the early years.

Having 28 years of catching up we weren’t going to limit this to one connection
The next three months were confusing for me, still being in a 7 year Relationship,
Some of those memories and feelings swirled through my mind and soul, for Teri
Being married with two teenage daughters and a over twenty daughter I had no doubt
She was more grounded in her life.
Being divorced and my own over twenty daughter moved out some four years earlier
left me more Venerable.

The next time we connected we tried to include another of the old gang, but Gary choose not
To go back, so a year later less emailing less phone calling, memories dulled and feeling more in
Check and Teri having moving and being further away, well you already know how the next
Chapter would be written.
PS Thanks for the smile while passing the time in the waiting room at the hospital.

Cheers,

Jim Borland

Torrance, CA

Mr. Seglin:

If you are married, and/or the old flame is married, there are only two reasons I can come up with that would make it okay to contact an old flame:
1. The old flame is your child's father and he does not know it, or you need a paternity test to prove it.
2. You have come out of the closet, and would like to explain to the old flame that he/she is not responsible for turning you homosexual. You would like to catch up on old times, knowing that you no longer pretend to play for that team.
If you do not have one of these two reasons to hunt for an old flame, there is probably something missing in your marriage. If you and your old flame were going to "just be friends," you already would be. My husband and I each have exes that we have remained friends with.

Just my opinion, as usual.

Sincerely,
Diana Thoren
Snellville, GA
Atlanta Journal & Constitution

In the last few months there have been many articles written about past sweethearts or acquaintances that have appeared in magazines and newspapers. This is very interesting to me as we had an experience about two years ago. 

I am the one in our household who checks the e-mails and does most of the writing but occasionally my husband gets online and writes to our children who are overseas. One Sunday night I checked the e-mails and asked my husband who this person was. He said it was a girl he used to date in high school and that I should answer the e-mail and see what happened to her. We thought this would be a nice thing to do to find out about his old classmates. Well, needless to say this woman who is now up in her sixties decided that she wanted this relationship to become more than just e-mails. At first we thought how friendly and was it was nice at first to renew that friendship but as time went on we realized that she wanted much more than friendship. For three months she harassed us by phone and e-mails. We got to the point that we had to review the caller ID box on our telephone to see who was calling. We could not change our phone number for a number of reasons so that was out of the question. She knew that my husband was to have knee surgery in a hospital here in Atlanta on a certain date and even managed to find out what hospital The day of his surgery there were messages on our answering machine from her about her concern for him. That evening while I was phoning our children and family out of state the call waiting kept beeping and she had tried 17 times to interrupt my phone calls. For the next couple of days she called demanding that I answer her calls about his condition. Two days after surgery she managed to find out what hospital he was in and called his room at 8 P.M. that evening. Needless to say we were upset and I told her I was going to contact our lawyer in the morning to file harassment and stalking charges. Enough was enough. We have been happily married for almost 45 years and have a great relationship and this was definitely an intrusion into our life. From a simple answer to what we thought was a friendly e-mail came three months of hell. I am sure that other people have has similar experiences and it is good to see all of this in different articles. There is no need to put up with such behavior there are things that can be done.

Shirley Ames - The Atlanta Jourmal-Constitution

I speak from experience when I say it's inappropriate to seek out a past love interest. In 1985, my husband of 16 years did just that. Within 3 months of finding this past love interest, he played troubling "mind games" with me, asked for a divorce, finally admitted there was another woman, made a new will and then, prior to having me served with divorce papers, died suddenly from a heart attack.
In my situation, I believe my husband was looking for his lost youth. In my heart I know he still loved me and the stress of the entire situation took a toll on his health.
I really had a double whammy and took years to recover. The other woman who was married, had me in court for over a year trying to break the joint tenancies of property my husband and I owned. Too make a long story short, she settled out of court but not before putting me through hell. If only my husband realized that all it appears this woman wanted was money......
Anyone looking for a past love, should leave their marriage prior to looking. To do otherwise is destructive to all parties.

D. Jones
Santa Barbara News-Press
Santa Barbara, California

It's unreasonable to expect all your "exes" to disappear from the face of the earth as soon as you break up with them. And they shouldn't have to make themselves invisible on the Internet, either.
As a computer administrator, I've had to deal with some doublethink on this issue. Some people want to be invisible to their "ex" but very visible to everyone else. That can't be arranged.
I think the key to a happy marriage is not leaving behind a prior trail of broken relationships and unanswered questions.
Michael Covington
Athens, Georgia
Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The decision to contact an old flame or old flames in my opinion depends on a
lot of things. First you need to look at why you want to do so. Is it to see
how they are doing? If you parted amically, I believe that it is human nature
to wonder what has happened since the parting. And I suspect they too are
wondering about you and your life.
If the reason that you want to contact them is sinister, say to satisfy
whether they are still pining after you, if you broke their heart some twenty,
thirty years ago, or to get back at them for breaking your heart, or making you
get rid of your cats, because their litter box disgusted them, or some other
misdeed, then I say it is best to leave them alone and get a life. I can almost
guarantee that contacting them will not be appreciated.
In the end, before you reach out and touch someone from long ago, think how
their reappearance in your life would affect you and yours, and you will have
your answer. Can you hear me now?

Carol Gee
author of Diary of a 'Flygirl' Wannabe

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in the e-mails to The Right Thing: Sound Off section of this Web site are solely the views of the those who sent them. They do not reflect the views of Jeff Seglin, The New York Times Syndicate or The New York Times Company.